We all belong here.

I shuffle frantically through my playlist, searching for the right song,
the right words, the right
message. Metaphors, euphemisms, figures
Of speech that leave behind a
trail of landmines that I tiptoe across. I’m trying
To find where I belong, my mind shattered
Into a thousand pieces figuring out how to
express and embrace these feelings.
There’s a million and one songs about loneliness
Yet I’m still searching and trying to cling onto just one. The lyrics sting
as I bleed profusely out of unbandaged wounds.

It was a dream I had
In between mountains
I feel held and grateful to exist
Pink mountains are glorious
Enjoy the moments of loneliness.

Loneliness is a dark time for oneself. Detaching from friends, family and their usual hobbies into a space where its them trying to stay afloat, feel included and be themselves again. Most of one’s time in loneliness is spent on phone, avoiding others and the support they can access. The world is more dark, boring and not as enjoyable as it used to be.

I am currently living out on a farm kilometres away from everything, and I haven't seen many of my friends in over six months. I was supposed to start uni this year, but life happened, and I have been forced to stay home. I never see anyone other than my family, and even then, they are always out working. I've tried really hard to get a job and something to do, but I cannot find anything that will take me, a chronically ill teenager with pretty much no life experience. I just feel so isolated from everything, and so lonely. Honestly though, this isn't a new experience. I've felt like that since I started primary school. I just feel like I never fit in anywhere, and just so alone. I miss my friends, and I just want to leave my house, and do something for a change, with my friends.

During Covid-19, I remember how my 16-year-old self was away from home for the first time, starting high school in a foreign country and doing remotely learning. My homestay family always went out on the weekend while I woke up early and went to the Library to study.

I talked and was invited to join a group of Aussie friends in class who have been together for years. I built some connection and shared about my learning and life in Australia. Some were surprised , some admired the resilience and some acknowledged things may have been heard and I was so brave . I took that as a compliment and felt proud of myself , continuing to go to State Library every day after class till dinner time.

Little did people know, I rarely hang out with those classmates and volunteering and joining youth group at local church made me feel no less lonely. I appreciated the connection, the excitement and novelty of meeting new people, however I recognised some anxiety around making long term friendship in Australia. No one was from my Vietnamese background, spoke the language or invited me over to cook my home dishes. I missed my family and friends in Vietnam but was too proud of my independence to admit my struggles.

Till now, it has been 5 years living here , I have grown so much. However , the loneliness still lingers on the nights when I couldn’t sleep or when I had late night assignments. I convinced myself it was part of student life toward growth and more fulfilment . I was more open to speaking to counsellor and EAP, helping me work toward healthy and grounded mindset in any situation.