We all belong here.

i cannot let it go.

i cannot.

i hoard the scraps of my childhood diaries and the marbles i won in the fifth grade.

i can’t remember it, but it was there.

i was there.

i lived in that house,
and with those people,
and somehow i could still step outside and greet the sky and the ants that lined the pavement.

i’d awake to morning birds chirping and feel as though i belonged there,

on the plastic chairs in the backyard,
in the back room,
at the dining table.

and yet now i don’t.

when did it all change??

when did the six seats turn into five??
when was the last time i set out the cutlery??
when did i stop giving my mother my favourite fork, the one with etched flowers??

i don’t know,

i don’t know anything.

and yet i clutch at the strands of what remains.

i so desperately severed my ties to that place-
sawing off the last piece of evidence that i was even there at all.

i cannot let go of it.

i collect the strings off of the grass and tuck them neatly away.

they sit with the scraps of my girlhood in the back of my closet.

my marbles,
my diaries,
and now the frayed tethers of my childhood home.

Last year, when I moved into my apartment I felt really alone, I have never been away from home before and come from a family of 6 with me being the oldest. I missed the noise of home, the comfort of knowing someone was always nearby. Even though I decorated, it didn’t feel like mine for a long time. I spent evenings staring at the ceiling, wondering if I made the right choice. It was lonely, but I knew I had to learn to be okay with it. After about a year getting a job and making friends was when I began to feel settled. I now wouldn’t have it any other way

"I had never experienced true loneliness until the first night I moved to another city, in another state, for university. I was suddenly truly alone. Two thousand kilometres from home. In the dark, I couldn’t hear my dad’s heavy footsteps or my sister slamming doors, only the sound of possums on the roof, or a train horn in the distance.

Days gave no relief. I had the whole day to myself. All twenty four hours to fill. With nobody at the end of it to ask how it was, nobody to share dinner with, to commiserate over my gluggy spaghetti or burnt mince. Dessert of microwaved porridge, the bowl warming my lap.

I met a few people at O-week but these connections led nowhere. And I had a job but it was only weekends in a bar, where no one seemed interested in talking, and so my voice remained silent and unused. The weeks loomed long and large, passing by slowly.

At night, I would stay up late, looking at the lights of the city from my window, wondering what everyone else could possibly be doing.

I had always loved reading; a solitary activity, but I lost this love, and retreated into my own head. I spent a lot of time walking, earphones in, walking to nowhere, doing laps of the block, walking well into the night, returning home in the dark, too exhausted to think about anything except to crawl into bed and listen to the possums on the roof.

It was the loneliest period of my life."

‍

All Alone
Check it, check it, check it.
No messages.
Instagram? TikTok? Snapchat?
No one’s there.
Quiet hum, streaks of moonlight—
No arms to be held by.
Sound asleep, all but one.
No ears to just listen.
Drowning,
No hand to reach for.
Not worth saving.
Not a real problem.
It’s all in my head.
(Or is it?)

I decided to show both sides of loneliness, the positive & the negative. The starry night represents the more negative impact of loneliness, staying in bed, unable to get up, binge-watching, the mind fighting with its thoughts past 9:00 PM, harmful thought process and perspective.
This is the more harmful side that can be destructive to one’s mental health, especially when it’s excessive.
The opposing side is the acceptance of being lonely. Whilst I understand that loneliness can be very consuming in a negative way, there’s parts to being alone with yourself that is healthy. Coming about by accepting who you are, being out by yourself in nature, self-regulation, can improve one’s mental health. It’s a more brighter outlook once self-acceptance comes to heal a part of ourselves.