We all belong here.

There is something written in Dari the language of Afghanistan it means “how many times have we been born, that we are dying this much?” The picture depicts the amount of things that I have everywhere and in any part of me. The journey is different from me – Like how can I just fit in? How can I cope with what I am going through. There’s a lot that is going on.

Mountains to escape loneliness?
I go to the mountains to escape the constant reminders you’re away
Instead I feel the emptiness more than ever
I watch the trees swaying, the peacefulness I long to feel… feels like emptiness

The landscape is so raw, an accurate description of me right now

I wish you were here with me
You’re the missing piece

I drive through the night to my campsite, your voice cutting in and out on call is what gets me through
Keeps me calm
You tell me I’m getting closer to you
Yet I’m still thousands of kilometres away
The number doesn’t matter though
You’re far enough away I can’t see you’re glowing eyes as you tell stories
Your face as you make me laugh
I cannot touch your warm hands which calm me instantly
I cannot feel the warmth of your hugs
Instead I bunch up in a ball in my sleeping bag in an attempt to stay warm
No matter how many layers I put on, the cold from your absence cannot be warmed
I countdown the days until you’re home
Worried about the person I will be by then
I take photos of my friends smiles to cover the fact mine is absent
I watch the heavy, grey clouds as they pass over
I notice how quickly they move
I cannot help but wish time moved the same

I’m scared. I’m scared of losing them, of losing myself. I had always wanted to grow up quicker, to finally catch the new, real me. But now I realise those who had been my anchors in my short life, through thick and thin, through all the jostling and growing pains…they’re leaving me…slowly but surely they’re drifting away one by one, and I can’t stop it. Why must we be thrown in the deep end so quickly? I want so desperately to hold on to them, to when things were still shallow, but the tide is too strong and I already feel myself drowning

This is about the in-between stages of change and growth; where you’re not where you want to be, but you’re not where you used to be either, so it doesn’t feel like you can quite relate to anyone around you.

The first initial reaction I wanted from this was the visual impact of seeing the word alone highlighted, on its own, in the middle of the sea of words; to represent the same real world feeling of being surrounded by people but still feeling alone. And then reading it in it's entirety gives you an insight into my experience at uni. I guess it did end up being a bit poetry-like but that was not the intention, just sort of happened as I was writing.