I had gotten used to being alone. I had moved far away from those who I would have once considered friends.
I knew they were never real, just there out of circumstance.
I realised I never belonged.
Growing out of my teens, being alone gave me time to reflect on all the pain I had endured from people. Forced to continue living in the shackles of the traumatic past, never letting me walk free.
In a way, loneliness has been bittersweet, allowing me to grow and search for all the missing pieces that were forced to be silent. The love I never felt, the trust I never had, the safety I was never given.
I have been forced to carry everything alone, forced me to keep myself going even when I was crumbling, but I feel more lost then ever, like I am too much for people, that I feel too much.
Maybe that’s why
I’ll always be alone.
The more I search for them,
the friends I yearn for
that choose me,
that aren’t afraid to show love,
that put in the same effort and care…
they may never come.
And I continue to drown in that thought of loneliness everyday.




